Saturday, December 13, 2008

Making faces...




What a mess!  Been making these faces all day, think I'm done now!


OK, I've been trying to form these words for awhile now & I've had a hard time trying to figure out where I want to go with this.  This whole blog thing is still kinda funny, I don't want to whine & I certainly need to be careful about how much I share (learned that after I started hearing rumors that I was dying!)  But I don't want to be fake either & my life isn't always pretty.  
I know this much...the blogs/people/books/music that I connect most with are those that are real, not all shiny & pretty. The shiny, happy, pretty, blogs/people/books/music are a great place to visit when I feel good, but when I'm not, they only bring me down even further, I guess because I just can't relate at the time. 

So here is my reality at the moment...I HATE the holidays.  Hate, hate, hate them. There, I said it, the cat is outta the bag! 
 
Watching people get so stressed out, get themselves into debt, wear themselves out until they get sick makes me very sad.  I don't participate in any of that, if I give gifts at all, I make them. Anyway, I'm much happier giving gifts randomly throughout the year. I would much rather give someone something that I know they'll really love in July instead of whipping something together because I "have" to at Christmas.
But even though I don't participate, there is still this underlying sadness during the holidays.  Some years are better than others.  
This is one of the others!  
Sometimes I think maybe it's because my family isn't here, but the truth is, I would be MISERABLE if they were!   
I'm busy, I'm with friends & people who I really want to spend time with, but it's still there underneath everything.  And it only takes the slightest thing to send me spinning downward.  
That happened last night & I haven't been able to snap out of it, and that's what this day has been like.

There's really no point to any of this... well except for this...the whole point of having a blog for me is to be able to connect w/ others.  So if you're not having one of those shiny, happy pretty holidays, perhaps you can relate to this post!

10 comments:

Judy Wise said...

Shhhhh.... you have lots of company. I used to love the holidays but now they only represent all the ways I'm losing it. I just spent the day trying to make gifts (3) and all of them ended up in the trash. It's the pressure. I never feel I've lived up to my expectations. And then I just throw in the towel and feel lame again. Well, whew!! Glad I got that off my chest.

jean benabou said...

Ya know......
I think you have the right to feel any way you want to...you are not an automation required to function and feel like everyone else. A lot of people "feel" holidays differently...for some it's warm and fuzzy and for others it is simply stressful. Growing up, I was of a completely different religious persuasion than I am now. I hated the holidays, my mother even nicknamed me the "grinch"! I cannot deny that I enjoyed getting presents, but I thought that the holidays were contrived and over-rated and really far from the original context of the celebration. I hated the music and going to any stores during the dreaded month of December.
Nowadays, I am a little more relaxed...the holidays don't affect me quite as drastically as they used to. I mostly enjoy watching my childrens happiness during the celebration, and like you I appreciate more things made from the heart and not more "stuff" that everyone "has" to have. I think our society is incredibly materialistic and caught up with competing with the "Joneses". So please don't despair and plummet(one more thing we have in common), you don't have to be a "Stepford Wife" of the holidays....we love reading your blog and ALL of your wonderful photos and art. We appreciate you for all of your honesty....as my teacher used to say "we love you warts and all!".

rebecca said...

i sit closer to you than you might imagine. i wanted to write a post this morning. i wanted to title it "coming clean".

all that glitters is not gold. my brightest moment today was watching a handful of small birds fighting the wind to lite on the hanging feeders outside my window. it is the small,quiet, and simple i am drawn to.

you are so close, i can hear your heart beat from here.

sending you love,
rebecca

tgarrett said...

I am so with you on this- my partner and I totally opt out- no gifts- tell people if they must then give to a charity in our name- we don't see family- just our family of choice-close friends. If I'm honest my memories are of my mother so stressed she would just blow up at time. So I totally get what you posted-you have company- Terry

Beth said...

I am completely there with you and your feelings !!!

thanks for being honest in the safety of your blog !!

Karen Cole said...

Yup, hate AND relate. I'm not a negative person, just don't like the concept of "have to".

Have a happy day :-)

Lisa Purcell said...

My mom died December 2nd of this year following what has had to be the worst year of her and my life. She was found outside her apartment building at 5 am the morning after Thanksgiving 2007. She had been upset the following day because she had not been invited to my sister's for the holiday nor had she been able to contact her. My sister took her phone off the hook. She didn't invite my mom because she didn't want her to "ruin another holiday." My mom had dementia. She was found wearing only a pair of pants -with a broken elbow, shoulder, and suffering from hypothermia. She spent a terrible, long year with six surgeries, each one giving another blow to the dementia. Anyway, I went to see her eight times this year and I was there when she passed away and I know that in the end she is at peace but I hate when someone askes me how my holiday was. Last year it was tragic, horrible, and this year it has left me grieving. I spent last holiday worried when I could not get my mom to answer the phone only to be stunned to be called by an ER doctor (they still could not get ahold of my sister). This Thanksgiving I was informed my mom would be put on her deathbed. It took her a week to actually die. A long grueling, grizzly process which rendered me almost beside myself. So, I will hate the holidays - especially Thanksgiving for some time to come. I really hate the questions about how I enjoyed my holidays. As if it isn't bad enough that they were full of grief and anquish. I now have to feel that I am a downer on the rest of the world. I feel I entered a realm seperate from the rest of the world. One where I am isolated and alone in my grief and that going forward I will have to endure years of polite but painful questioning by those oblivious to my pain and loss. I can be honest and tell them of my loss or avoid people but I cannot even pretend it is okay. At least my mom made my holidays great when I was a kid. It was only in recent years that they were terrible for her. Even my sister and my mom had great holidays when we were younger. Anyway, I get what you said. I really do. Probably there are many, many others that also feel this way but it is unpopular to say it outloud.

lynne h said...

i'm right there with ya, leighanna... but hey, there's the solstice.... mmmmmmm....

solstice love and light to you...

xo

kecia said...

Leighanna, i keep forgetting to ask if you will be putting any of your faces on etsy/1000 markets as a supply... i'd love to play with one!
kecia

Paula Manning-Lewis said...

I too, know how you feel. I too hate the holidays! This year was especially hard for me as my dad passed away in April 2008 and he was the only reason I ever enjoyed Christmas.

Reading the other comments, obviously you are not alone. I would be willing to bet that most people feel the same, they just won't say it out loud.